The limitations of being human.

If there was ever a psychological disease called not-exactly-living-in-the-past-but-still-very-much-affected-by-it disorder, then I might as well be suffering from it. My past wasn't haunting nor was it glorious enough to be reminisced, yet it's still attached to the back of my skull like a raw, sweet-smelling secret. My definition of past here is the times when i had grown up enough to accustom life in my own ways yet still innocent enough that everything i perceived went straight into my comprehension without much filtering.

I remember what it felt like to NOT realize the transition from being a girl to a teenager. It felt like nothing was going on, like what you see is what you get, no strings attached, no grotesque monsters or beautiful angels lurking in the dark to surprise you. Smooth as how the river flows. And then overtime I come to realize that suddenly, I'm not as I was were three years ago, and truth starts hammering down onto me like the seeping of rainfall into the hard ground. I can feel and see the transition that suddenly awakened itself clearly now, and it saddens me so much that in this strange and nothing-is-impossible world, there's no such thing as a time machine.

Since I can't seem to forget (let alone forgive) my past, I start to make comparisons. I compare everything: The friends I have and the friends I had, the things that wasn't there before but is here now and likewise, the possibilities of lives I could've led then and the ones I can choose to lead now, the quality of boyfriends and the varied feelings of attachment, the reasons of my anger and grieves back then and what makes me sad and angry now, the joys i had then and the joys i have now.

It's funny how even after so long, the songs that used to make you cry back then are now still able to shed your tears for no reason. It's funny how in a way, you like yourself better back then than the state you're in now, how you wish to escape reality and just indulge yourselves in memories of your past.

"Maybe we've been living with eyes half open, maybe we're bent and broken."