Low expectations, behold.

For this week only, I'm scared of the coming of Thursday. Thursday brings an announcement. The kind of announcement that will determine my future, my fate, my sanity: University entrance test results. (Bandung Institution of Technology to be precise, the one place I've been longing to study in my whole student life)


Just now a friend told me that the results are gonna come up on Thursday. As soon as I heard that I felt nervous, anxious, scared shitless. It was like somebody just told me the world's going to end on Thursday instead of December 21st, 2012. Or the world MIGHT end on Thursday, which is even worse because uncertainties with a possible hint of bad news isn't exactly everybody's piece of heaven.

So here I am, sweats dripping down my balls, cold shivers running through my spine, restless thoughts jigging around my wit. Some people told me to pray, but I don't want to look stupid in front of God, thank you very much. Honestly, I seldom pray, only when I'm told to and I'm not able to refuse (my Dad is a super devoted Muslim). So if I start praying just because I need a miracle to happen, not because the whole initiative comes from the very depth of my own consciousness, I'm afraid that will make me a hypocrite, a conformist.

Some other told me to keep up the positive thinking. I said, how the fuck can I stay positive when everyday shit happens, people die from war and famine, old fat priests molest virgin little girls, corruptors stay out of jail while licking their fingers off their loot, Miley Cyrus exists, and all the glittery rainbows and singing mermaids are crumbling down into a pile of messy debris we all call humanity...

Anyways, apparently this one friend of mine came up with the solution as how to stay calm during uncertainties with a possible hint of bad news (in this case, Thursday). Ever since she said those magical sentences a few weeks ago, they kept ringing through my ears until now, "You, know, being a pessimist isn't such a bad thing after all. 'Coz the less you expect, the lower chance of disappointment you behold."


Enough said, i will keep my expectations down until Thursday, and also any living days forward. This way, if i get accepted, unexpected happiness will I richly indulge myself in. But if i don't get accepted, I won't even think of attempting suicide. Why should I, when I'm already prepared to be disappointed from the very start :)