Low expectations, behold.

For this week only, I'm scared of the coming of Thursday. Thursday brings an announcement. The kind of announcement that will determine my future, my fate, my sanity: University entrance test results. (Bandung Institution of Technology to be precise, the one place I've been longing to study in my whole student life)


Just now a friend told me that the results are gonna come up on Thursday. As soon as I heard that I felt nervous, anxious, scared shitless. It was like somebody just told me the world's going to end on Thursday instead of December 21st, 2012. Or the world MIGHT end on Thursday, which is even worse because uncertainties with a possible hint of bad news isn't exactly everybody's piece of heaven.

So here I am, sweats dripping down my balls, cold shivers running through my spine, restless thoughts jigging around my wit. Some people told me to pray, but I don't want to look stupid in front of God, thank you very much. Honestly, I seldom pray, only when I'm told to and I'm not able to refuse (my Dad is a super devoted Muslim). So if I start praying just because I need a miracle to happen, not because the whole initiative comes from the very depth of my own consciousness, I'm afraid that will make me a hypocrite, a conformist.

Some other told me to keep up the positive thinking. I said, how the fuck can I stay positive when everyday shit happens, people die from war and famine, old fat priests molest virgin little girls, corruptors stay out of jail while licking their fingers off their loot, Miley Cyrus exists, and all the glittery rainbows and singing mermaids are crumbling down into a pile of messy debris we all call humanity...

Anyways, apparently this one friend of mine came up with the solution as how to stay calm during uncertainties with a possible hint of bad news (in this case, Thursday). Ever since she said those magical sentences a few weeks ago, they kept ringing through my ears until now, "You, know, being a pessimist isn't such a bad thing after all. 'Coz the less you expect, the lower chance of disappointment you behold."


Enough said, i will keep my expectations down until Thursday, and also any living days forward. This way, if i get accepted, unexpected happiness will I richly indulge myself in. But if i don't get accepted, I won't even think of attempting suicide. Why should I, when I'm already prepared to be disappointed from the very start :)

Caffeine makes my brain go round.

The only thing that keeps me awake prior to the National Final Examination days is a simple magical substance called Caffeine. Two shots everyday, double if needed. That way I'm able to regain control over the droopiness that intensifies every single lecture second and turn them into long, exhausting, nerves-numbing hours. Without caffeine, I'm like a walking dead who'd rather sleep through every moment of educational purposes than dealing with them with wide open eyes.

Precisely two hours after a cup of coffee is digested, I feel myself rejuvenated. I can feel drop of sweet liquidated Caffeine oozing through my blood like some Godly invented drugs. I feel them knocking over every cell in my body, slapping and tapping and raping them until they scream with delight and unrestrained excitement.

My hypersensitivity therefore is also summoned. I can focus like a hawk, aware of every single strand of information that perches in my brain. I sit on the front row of the class, digesting mathematical equations and grammatical propositions and chemical formulas as if they are pretty unique snowflakes that fall and melt and soundlessly seep into the ground.

The one thing that grows less as I devoted myself more into the stupefying ways of Caffeine is positive thoughts. Caffeine over-excites the pattern of my brain, making my mind paces back and forth like a confused little pig in a closed box. It's so hard to keep a positive thinking at bay that way, along with the constant furious drumming of the heart as if wanting to get out of its ribcage. The restless heart makes the organs of the body tired, and positive thoughts don't tend to come upon a depleted, over-occupied brain.

18 is such an ugly number.

Being 18 is like standing transfixed in an intersection in which there's only one road to take, only you're still not sure where each of them leads and what are the consequences of your actions. The catch is, there's no going back. The lazy days are gone, and now you're at the peak of having to have to choose.

Moreover, the line that separates adulthood and childhood have never been this hazy before. You keep convincing yourselves that right as the clock turns 12, you ARE an adult. But deep down you know you can't turn from a childish, carefree 17 year old into a mature, responsible 18 year old overnight.

When you turn 18, people drastically turn over their eyes against you. You no longer have The Unforgivably Cute Recklessness that people under 18 are born with. When you're 17 and do something wrong, they'd easily say "It's okay, you'll learn from your mistakes." But when you're 18 and do something wrong, they'd give you a massive hard time by stating that you've never learned from your mistakes, and they'd blame it all on you for wasting all your youth in vain.

They say the upside about turning 18 is that you're legal. The question is, legal for what?? Legal for getting in some club, buying some booze, getting fucked up? Well guess what, unless you live in some tight-ass country in the 19th century or something, right now everybody can do all those things above without having to be 18. Rules are overrated, and so is "legality".

Eight-teen, if reversed, is also a hideous number in its numeral row of -teen (13-19). 81 is probably the oldest you can get before you die. 17, if reversed, is 71, and by that age most people would probably be at their top of fondness for you as a grandma/pa. But then when you turn 81, they just get bored of taking care of you and their visits are getting more seldom and practically you'll rot yourself in your deathbed. As for 19 (91), I doubt you'd still be alive by then, so that does not really count. Whatever.

Last but not least, for some people 18 could be a wonderful number, especially since it stands for 1'm 8lessed (to have lived until this moment). Nevertheless it's ugly for me since it also represents 1inglorious 8itch.

I'm turning into an 1nglorious 8itch in about 3 hours and 19 minutes. Happy Fucking Birthday.

Nicholas Hoult is HOT.

Hey remember that freaky little pale-faced kid with some weird haircut who used to follow Hugh Grant around in the 2002 hit chick-flick About a Boy?


I know when you saw that movie, you'd probably be thinking, OMG that brat is sooo annoying and I just feel like smashing his face off!

Well I'm glad none of us did, because look how he turned out now...

Jesus Christ would you look at that! Mighty damn fine, eh? :D

Spidey Kiss me Spidey Kiss me Spidey Kiss me puh-leeeeaaaaasssssseeeeeeee

H stands for Highschool, Hell, and HEYGETMEOUTOFHERE!!!

When it comes to life after highschool, there are 3 kinds of people:

1. Those who look back and smile. Eg: ex-cheerleaders.
2. Those who look back and wince. Eg: ex-bully victims.
3. Those who look back and don't remember a thing. Because after all there's nothing worth remembering, moreover that they've actually burnt their yearbooks down so everything vanished simultaneously. Eg: ex-haters, the unsatisfied, and the unattached.

Guess which one I'm most inclined to be ;)

Random shizzzzzzzzz.

Recently I had a chat with a really good friend of mine whom I haven't seen for 3 years and talked to for months. My memory of him back when we were still together is that he was such an absolutely talented manga artist and he used to make fun of my retarded so-called Inuyasha sketches. Anyway he agreed to draw me (manga style) out of his memory of what I looked like 3 years ago. And this is what he came up with:


... And that looks nothing like me D***: well maybe the fringe. And the bottom lip piercing (stupid fugly Indonesian school made me took my baby off!!!) But OMG is my face that ambiguous????????? jhsfkugryilsrdtghrfisdgilfdug7sjhfgsukl roflmao

Yeah this post is totally not worth your time :p

Don't read this if you can't handle the truth!

8 girls in one car; all single and not even close to dating guys anytime soon. What are the chances right? Answer is, it happens. As a matter of fact, I was actually one of the girls. Sucker!

So what do we exactly call that? Most people would shout SAD! Others would automatically think that those girls must be really unworthy of appraisals that no guys would ever try to touch (this, my friends, is not true nevertheless). In other word, SAD! SAD! SAD!!!

Me? I wouldn’t call that sad. Sad is a situation when everyone else around you has the same code ethic of coolness, but for some reason you couldn’t live up to the standards. Then you should feel free to call yourself a big fat loser.

But in the 8-single-girls-in-one-car case, DATING is actually not a code ethic of coolness in their environment. Hah, you’re probably thinking what the heck kinda environment is that, right? Well I’ll tell you what kind of environment that is: It’s the kind that somehow lets 6 of those 8 girls aforementioned above never ever gotten their first kiss!! Oh to prove my point, I shouldn’t say girls. LADIES is probably a better term.

If you still can’t picture the kind of environment we’re sinking our souls and bodies into, let me try to describe more in vivid details:

- It is the kind of environment that nurtures and recreates followers.
Those who follow the most and those who are far from being individualistic are considered as the gods and goddesses of funk! YAY!

- It is the kind of environment that always tries hard to unite its people together; ironically the result drifts one group even further from the other.
Okay people tomorrow we meet up altogether to play some soccer! Oh but umm, of course, that emo bitch shouldn’t come because if she comes, people will start wondering why on earth did she come, and we sure don’t want to cause some confusion ,do we now? Unity in diversity!

- It is the kind of environment where Chinese Whisper is the most played game of all.
Hey I heard that she was rebelling to the seniors during the orientation program, wait no didn’t she also cry or something, nah man I heard she was yelling at the seniors because they told her not to eat with her hands during lunch, yeah dude but then all the seniors started yelling back at her and she ended up CRYING!!! (My suggestion is: GET THE FUCKING FACTS RIGHT!!!)

- It is the kind of environment in which dating and relationships are as boring as ever.
Dude have you frenched her? Nah man it’s only been three months. What have you guys done then? Well yesterday I kinda gave her a peck. DUUUDEEE that’s still cool man I mean me and my girl have said the world LOVE to each other but she still wants to save her first cheek-kiss until we’re married!

- It is the kind of environment where indulgence is always in whereas sufferings are underrated.
Hey let’s just take the public transport, it’s cheap and way faster than if we wait for your chauffeur to pick us up. Noooo I don’t want to get into those dirty little cars, they stink and I don’t want my odor to mix with those wretched little poor creatures inside!

- It is the kind of environment where in order to get boys to like you, you have to have some certain traits.
First, you have to be cute. Second, clingy. Third, whiny. Next, you have to have a hint of stupidity so those boys wouldn’t feel intimidated by you, also they’d have something to make fun of. Oh and one last thing, you have to be utterly passive. None of them like an aggression, since obviously all are still virgin. Cheers to *oppressed* innocence!

- It is the kind of environment in which groups are so close-knitted it lets no air to breathe in.
I know right guys, as popular as we are, we should celebrate new year’s eve in a 5-star hotel! Oh just make sure the hotel we’re staying in isn’t also occupied by those other kids from public highschools, we’d like to enjoy our sucking-up moments to ourselves, puhlease!

- It is the kind of environment in which the word difference is synonym with outcast.
Oh haven’t you gotten yourself a blackberry? I mean why not, literally everyone else did! It’s like, how are we gonna keep in touch with you when you don’t keep yourself on track through blackberry messenger? Text messages are sooo five minutes ago girl, so we’re sorry if you weren’t informed about our next hang-out, your fault for not having a blackberry in hand!

Now you see why I’ve been more than desperate to break the fuck free??

P.S. My apologies for those who are offended by this, but I know deep down you know I'm right. Like always, I tell it like it is.