It's over midnite and I'm nowhere near sleepy. I hate it when I'm suposed to be doing something (like sleeping) but then I'm not. It opens up a gate in my head for random thoughts to come rushing in. And I hate having to think over things at this wee of hour, my brain is certainly not functioning well. I wish I had a switch to turn off and on the flow of my brain, or to temporarily erase memories. That way when I don't feel like getting burdened over thoughts, I can just shut the whole system down.
Right now I'm thinking about someone, but I'm not exactly sure what to think about since that person just kinda... dissapeared. Well that's not true, I am sure of what I can think about, coz there are lots of detailed ways to think about a certain somebody. Like the way that person smiles, talks, eats, smells, or even calls you names. But I mean, I'm not even sure if that person is still alive. Ok that's not true, I perfectly know that that person is still alive, it's just that that person seems to be dead rite now. I don't mean dead as in buried 5 foot beneath the earth, but dead as in not showing any signs of existence whatsoever. And if I think about that person over and over again, that would make me miss that person even more. And imagine if that person is actually *please god don't let this happen* dead, how shattered and broken down into blood-drenched, fragmented pieces would my heart be. Especially since that person kept going round and round in my head. So I'm just trying not to think about that person as much as I used to, coz everything is possible yet nothing is perfect. And still there's the friggin' Indian ocean that bids us part.
And there's this one more person, who's always either sleepy or tired and you couldn't possibly tell whether that person is in the mood or not. Ok fine that's not true, that person is always in the mood.
Oh and theres this last person, whose body makes girls wanna dry hump. Well at least I do. Too bad that person had been nothing but talks.
Well enough about them. I'm totally comfortable with being alone.
At least for now.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Commitment without marriage.
A few days ago I watched He's Just Not That Into You. I'm not exactly a chick flick lover here but that movie was pretty good! I especially love the part where Neil (Ben Affleck) talked about how relationships don't always have to lead to marriage. If you want to upgrade your relationship to the next level, then it's just as simple as doing a vow that you'd be committed to each other, that you'll keep your love 'till the end of time. That way you still can have someone to hold on to, a chest to lay your heads on, someone to grow old with, someone to pass on your generation without the strain of getting into marriage just because your fussy neighbors would gossip about your spinster life if you're still unmarried at the age of 35.
That's what you call a commitment. And sometimes getting into commitments is harder than getting married. More than a few people are married out of force, society pressures, or the fear of being alone. And then the next thing they know they regret ever taking that decision, mainly because they realize that their love for their spouses have drained out overtime, so divorce becomes their only option. Whereas in commitments, you have to really love somebody to choose that path, therwise you would know deep down in your heart that you don't want to be committed to that certain someone. Oh and unlike marriage, when you feel the need to break off the commitment, you don't have to pay a fortune to hire a lawyer and waste your time energy emotion going back and forth the court. Snap.
The only thing that differentiate commitments with marriages is a stupid ring on your finger. So admit it, marriage is overrated.
Why am I writing this? Because right now what's going on in my mind is: I want him but I dont want to be with him :)
That's what you call a commitment. And sometimes getting into commitments is harder than getting married. More than a few people are married out of force, society pressures, or the fear of being alone. And then the next thing they know they regret ever taking that decision, mainly because they realize that their love for their spouses have drained out overtime, so divorce becomes their only option. Whereas in commitments, you have to really love somebody to choose that path, therwise you would know deep down in your heart that you don't want to be committed to that certain someone. Oh and unlike marriage, when you feel the need to break off the commitment, you don't have to pay a fortune to hire a lawyer and waste your time energy emotion going back and forth the court. Snap.
The only thing that differentiate commitments with marriages is a stupid ring on your finger. So admit it, marriage is overrated.
Why am I writing this? Because right now what's going on in my mind is: I want him but I dont want to be with him :)
Monday, June 15, 2009
Umm what??
I'm watching Jimmy Kimmel Live with Paris Hilton as the guest star right now and a moment ago she just said, "Well, my family always taught us to be down to earth..."
Ha! Looks like we have utterly different definitions of "down to earth". I mean if my down to earth was her down to earth, and she still considers herself as "down to earth" - not trying to boast here - i must be like, down to the very center core of the earth...
My point is, don't consider yourself as "down to earth" if you only look above your standards, not below. Being down to earth is an important trait yet a very hard achievement to mantain, and I'm still trying to work on it up 'till now :)
So eat that, princess.
Ha! Looks like we have utterly different definitions of "down to earth". I mean if my down to earth was her down to earth, and she still considers herself as "down to earth" - not trying to boast here - i must be like, down to the very center core of the earth...
My point is, don't consider yourself as "down to earth" if you only look above your standards, not below. Being down to earth is an important trait yet a very hard achievement to mantain, and I'm still trying to work on it up 'till now :)
So eat that, princess.
I <3 water, salt, sand, sunbeam, tan, temporary tatts.
You know what's funny? I can spend days on beaches, forests, hilltops, treetops, or a friggin safari park, but I can barely spend 3 hours in a mall without getting bored. Now I wouldn't call myself old-fashioned, I just simply love nature :D
So the deal is, I just came back from a trip to the Anyer beach with my friends. Because it took us almost three hours to get there, we decided to rent an apartment and stay a night over. Actually there is a nearer beach to Jakarta, called Ancol and only an hour away, but it's too crowded and not even beautiful.
And as always, it was awesome. I have been to Anyer and stayed at the same apartment three times in a year and it never failed to make me happy. Well, Anyer is not actually a white-sand, clear-turquoise-water kind of beach, but I love the waves there. They're not too soft nor too rough, just perfect for bodysurfing. What I usually do is paddle with my bodysurf-board further up to the sea, to the spot where the water current would just pass me through without breaking down into ripples of waves, and then lie down on the board with my back facing the sun. It's a perfect way of getting some tan and relaxing your mind from the busy hassle of... everything.
While I was at it, two songs kept repeating themselves in my head:
"I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy"
I Wish You Were Here - Incubus
"These canals, it seems, they all go in circles
Places look the same, and we're the only difference
The wind is in your hair, it's covering my view
I'm holding on to you, on a bike we've hired until tomorrow"
Cayman Islands - Kings of Convenience
One more thing, I actually have this holiday syndrome: Whenever I go someplace else as a vacation and had a good time, I would start reminiscing my time and couldn't help but wanting to go back there again when I got back home. And that's the kind of state I am in right this second.
And besides Peter Pan, I have one more person to fantasize about: Tarzan.
So the deal is, I just came back from a trip to the Anyer beach with my friends. Because it took us almost three hours to get there, we decided to rent an apartment and stay a night over. Actually there is a nearer beach to Jakarta, called Ancol and only an hour away, but it's too crowded and not even beautiful.
And as always, it was awesome. I have been to Anyer and stayed at the same apartment three times in a year and it never failed to make me happy. Well, Anyer is not actually a white-sand, clear-turquoise-water kind of beach, but I love the waves there. They're not too soft nor too rough, just perfect for bodysurfing. What I usually do is paddle with my bodysurf-board further up to the sea, to the spot where the water current would just pass me through without breaking down into ripples of waves, and then lie down on the board with my back facing the sun. It's a perfect way of getting some tan and relaxing your mind from the busy hassle of... everything.
While I was at it, two songs kept repeating themselves in my head:
"I dig my toes into the sand
The ocean looks like a thousand diamonds
Strewn across a blue blanket
I lean against the wind
Pretend that I am weightless
And in this moment I am happy...happy"
I Wish You Were Here - Incubus
"These canals, it seems, they all go in circles
Places look the same, and we're the only difference
The wind is in your hair, it's covering my view
I'm holding on to you, on a bike we've hired until tomorrow"
Cayman Islands - Kings of Convenience
One more thing, I actually have this holiday syndrome: Whenever I go someplace else as a vacation and had a good time, I would start reminiscing my time and couldn't help but wanting to go back there again when I got back home. And that's the kind of state I am in right this second.
And besides Peter Pan, I have one more person to fantasize about: Tarzan.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Things I do not understand
1. I don’t understand how most people can predict others only by first impressions, since mine’s never right.
2. I don’t understand why I can’t seem to be mad at people for long, no matter how angry I was at first.
3. I don’t understand how people are best-friends one school year and then turn enemies the next.
4. I don’t understand why, in Indonesia, women in their 30s who are still unmarried would be labeled as a pitiable spinster, no matter how successful and wealthy and beautiful they are.
5. I don’t understand human beings who, without ifs and buts, ALWAYS think they’re right (like you, dad).
6. I don’t understand why time never goes weary of ticking.
7. I don’t understand how boys seem to have pulled it all together when they’re actually insecure deep inside, or why sometimes they need some assurance when they seem to be capable of everything.
8. I don’t understand why people who are meant to just shut up never truly shut up.
9. I don’t understand how fairy-tales actually exist in real lives, since I’m nowhere near them.
10. I don’t understand why people always insist on knowing the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
11. I don’t understand the fact that if the theory of existence based on Islam is right, that the first humans ever to be created were Adam and Eve and then they kept breeding out to reach the point we are at right now, how come there are still the obvious physical differences between one race and another? Shouldn’t we all look the same?
12. I don’t understand why I get bored faster than most people do, when I think of myself rather more grateful than some people are.
13. I don’t understand how people think “white lies” are better than just “lies”. Lies are lies, right?
14. I don’t understand why gossiping is considered as a guilty pleasure, coz people who gossip obviously don’t feel any guilt at all, they feel happy. At least I do.
15. I don’t understand why trigonometry should be important in my life.
16. I don’t understand how ugly memories turn wonderful as soon as we decided to let it pass.
17. I don’t understand how some people can shed tears out of happiness. I’ve always valued tears as a symbol of sadness.
18. I don’t understand why sometimes we try too hard to live up to other people’s expectations in expense of ignoring our own.
19. I don’t understand how people think of their misfortunes as a form of fate; whereas when they turn prosperous they’d say that it’s all because of their hard work. Maybe it’s just another form of fate.
20. I don’t understand why the only thing that the Qur’an says regarding reasons behind our existence is to obey God. It seems as if we were created only to die and go to heaven if we succeeded. But didn’t human souls exist in heavens before God breathed them into the wombs? So what’s the need of getting us out of heavens just to order us to go back in again? A pointless journey indeed.
2. I don’t understand why I can’t seem to be mad at people for long, no matter how angry I was at first.
3. I don’t understand how people are best-friends one school year and then turn enemies the next.
4. I don’t understand why, in Indonesia, women in their 30s who are still unmarried would be labeled as a pitiable spinster, no matter how successful and wealthy and beautiful they are.
5. I don’t understand human beings who, without ifs and buts, ALWAYS think they’re right (like you, dad).
6. I don’t understand why time never goes weary of ticking.
7. I don’t understand how boys seem to have pulled it all together when they’re actually insecure deep inside, or why sometimes they need some assurance when they seem to be capable of everything.
8. I don’t understand why people who are meant to just shut up never truly shut up.
9. I don’t understand how fairy-tales actually exist in real lives, since I’m nowhere near them.
10. I don’t understand why people always insist on knowing the truth. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.
11. I don’t understand the fact that if the theory of existence based on Islam is right, that the first humans ever to be created were Adam and Eve and then they kept breeding out to reach the point we are at right now, how come there are still the obvious physical differences between one race and another? Shouldn’t we all look the same?
12. I don’t understand why I get bored faster than most people do, when I think of myself rather more grateful than some people are.
13. I don’t understand how people think “white lies” are better than just “lies”. Lies are lies, right?
14. I don’t understand why gossiping is considered as a guilty pleasure, coz people who gossip obviously don’t feel any guilt at all, they feel happy. At least I do.
15. I don’t understand why trigonometry should be important in my life.
16. I don’t understand how ugly memories turn wonderful as soon as we decided to let it pass.
17. I don’t understand how some people can shed tears out of happiness. I’ve always valued tears as a symbol of sadness.
18. I don’t understand why sometimes we try too hard to live up to other people’s expectations in expense of ignoring our own.
19. I don’t understand how people think of their misfortunes as a form of fate; whereas when they turn prosperous they’d say that it’s all because of their hard work. Maybe it’s just another form of fate.
20. I don’t understand why the only thing that the Qur’an says regarding reasons behind our existence is to obey God. It seems as if we were created only to die and go to heaven if we succeeded. But didn’t human souls exist in heavens before God breathed them into the wombs? So what’s the need of getting us out of heavens just to order us to go back in again? A pointless journey indeed.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Bits and pieces.
“I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was to weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I'll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse”
Best of You – Foo fighters
That song is still traumatically etched in my mind since the first time I heard it about three years ago. It speaks of trust, betrayal, expectations, hope, faith, love and broken hearts, pain and revivals. The things I - for the first time in my life - experienced simultaneously altogether back then, which possibly marked the turning point of my self-realization.
Albeit more than three years had passed, whenever I hear that song, old (and almost forgotten) memories would just start crawling their way forward into the present. Bits and pieces of memories that pile up into one gigantic mass of nostalgic, over-romanticized reminiscence overflowing with feelings. I HATE it when those happen:
1st, when memories came with feelings still attached, coz those leftover feelings might crash with my present ones and turns me indecisive and sort of lost.
2nd, when the memory was actually a ghoulish one, but overtime (as I learn to forgive and forget) it’s losing its sense of ghastliness and whenever it emerges from the abyss, I couldn’t help but miss experiencing the thrill all over again, even though I perfectly know that back then, when I was IN it, I’d give up anything to get it over with ASAP. Confusing, I know.
Back to the song, I still don’t know what the meaning-beyond-meaning is precisely. On some parts of the song, I still don’t know who Dave Grohl refers to when he says “you”. First I thought it might be somebody he loves - a girl, maybe - but then it couldn’t be that trivial. I even tried connecting “you” with God, but it didn’t make any sense (one line says “were you born to resist, or to be abused?” What kind of human being would ask God that kind of question anyway?)
So the best possible answer I could come up with is that Dave refers “you” to us, or whoever is listening to the song. To be precise, “you” refers to anyone who could relate to the feelings and situations that the lyrics convey. Anyone who, by any sheer coincidence, could project off you into I.
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was to weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I'll break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse”
Best of You – Foo fighters
That song is still traumatically etched in my mind since the first time I heard it about three years ago. It speaks of trust, betrayal, expectations, hope, faith, love and broken hearts, pain and revivals. The things I - for the first time in my life - experienced simultaneously altogether back then, which possibly marked the turning point of my self-realization.
Albeit more than three years had passed, whenever I hear that song, old (and almost forgotten) memories would just start crawling their way forward into the present. Bits and pieces of memories that pile up into one gigantic mass of nostalgic, over-romanticized reminiscence overflowing with feelings. I HATE it when those happen:
1st, when memories came with feelings still attached, coz those leftover feelings might crash with my present ones and turns me indecisive and sort of lost.
2nd, when the memory was actually a ghoulish one, but overtime (as I learn to forgive and forget) it’s losing its sense of ghastliness and whenever it emerges from the abyss, I couldn’t help but miss experiencing the thrill all over again, even though I perfectly know that back then, when I was IN it, I’d give up anything to get it over with ASAP. Confusing, I know.
Back to the song, I still don’t know what the meaning-beyond-meaning is precisely. On some parts of the song, I still don’t know who Dave Grohl refers to when he says “you”. First I thought it might be somebody he loves - a girl, maybe - but then it couldn’t be that trivial. I even tried connecting “you” with God, but it didn’t make any sense (one line says “were you born to resist, or to be abused?” What kind of human being would ask God that kind of question anyway?)
So the best possible answer I could come up with is that Dave refers “you” to us, or whoever is listening to the song. To be precise, “you” refers to anyone who could relate to the feelings and situations that the lyrics convey. Anyone who, by any sheer coincidence, could project off you into I.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Wake me up when highschool ends.
I remember as a child listening to a song by some Indonesian singer entitled Kisah Kasih di Sekolah (A Love Story at School). It was about how beautiful highschool life is, where teenagers can experience such wonderful moments filled with love and joy and feel the luminous splendors of getting through puberty with carefree, happy-go-lucky steps. I, being a 6th grader back then, really wanted to just skip a few years forward and excite myself in the sparkling world of highschool. Now, I wish I knew better.
I gotta say, it’s not exactly what you would call fun and games. In fact, it’s far from fun and games. It’s all about survival and how far you can manage to survive. Even worse, the obstacles that you have to overcome are unpredictable, sometimes they’re right there before your eyes and other times you have to go beyond man’s wits and speculation to make it all crystal clear and solvable. Some of them are:
- The definition of success: The smarter you are at school, the more successful you will be.
- The peer pressure dilemma: Following your friends in order to fit in vs. ignoring all the peer pressures around in order to find your utmost true self.
- The uncertainty of the future: It is believed that highschool opens the door to your future. The question is, which door you will choose? Once you go in, it’s gonna be hard to go back.
- Highschool puberty: Puberty is annoying enough as it is, that mixing it with our highschool life is simply obnoxious. How are we supposed to grow up when pressures and more pressures just keep coming to weigh us down? (Problems lead us to maturity; pressures lead us to severe insanity)
- The power of memory: Highschool literally translates to youth. Once you’re in your 50s, obviously you wouldn’t want to look back to find that your youthful highschool life was a vague blur and most of your friends and teachers had already forgotten you anyway. Teenagers want to make the best out of their youth, meaning that there’s an invisible demand to make our highschool moments unforgettable, whichever way possible.
There is one key pass up highschool in triumph: Endurance. Remain calm, do what you ought to do, do what needs to be done, have fun, fly with your eyes half-closed, use friends to remain sane, don’t let peer pressures or any other pressures get to you, gossip or be gossip-ed about like you don’t give a damn, love those who love you, love those who hate you, study well AND lick your teachers ass to get good grades (at least good enough to help you realize your dreams), don’t complain too much, don’t try too hard to be happy, and all will be easy-breezy fine. Just get it over with. Of course, this means that you will miss approximately three years of your life being a completely silent, lifeless, immobile stone.
But then again, life begins when highschool ends. And that’s the sort of principle I’m hanging on to right this moment. I’m asleep, and it is on June 2010 that I may finally wake up.
Hopefully :)
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